Have you ever been so vividly aware that you are caught in a significant moment... the kind where time slows and your heart starts using your ribs as a door knocker?
It seems crazy but since I turned 30, that's where I've been.
See... mine was the kind of childhood that led me to the conclusion I may never make it this far in age. How relieving it is to know the math was off. 28 came- then 29... 30. April 27th came around and I was in a haze of reflections. Tomorrow was THE day. The questions that came to my mind that day were so critical... about happiness, love, retirement, friends, enemies, what have you. I thought of all those things before- but this time they were twisting in my gut. I thought about old age- weddings and grand kids... and somehow it brought a relief... rocking chairs and grand kids. Just a few more decades Crys. It won't be so bad the second half?
I haven't pegged why it took so long for a moment like that to surface- my only guess is; you don't see the fight in real time- the movements are ahead or behind you, the details are blurry. When everything has been a struggle, you just learn to survive. Perhaps in the form of 'to-do lists', or in a short lived escapes, poems no one reads, even being the 'better person' even if by a very well played facade. There are things I've known for certain in this quarter length career of mine- I've never had that feeling that my destine is to make some great mark on this world, fame is at the bottom of my desires... a million bucks is only wanted to help the people who need it... and my children are enough of a legacy for me. My path, plan, what have you, has always felt, meant to be quite simple. It's been annoying feeling this deep about things. But it's stirred up some good.
Which brings me to this:
My life was too often over analyzed and not well enough lived. It's amazing how well presented worries become present if that's what you expect, how strong your hopes phase into reality when you set aside negative expectations. Hard times await us all at some point, disguised strengths that need receiving. A reminder of the way you choose to see things and how to better see them.
I'm saying nothing new, with no clue whether I myself am actually happy or not, but I feel loved, grateful, safe and give love, comfort, safety... the best way I know how. The past hasn't made a bitter mark on me, painful sometimes- but not crippling. Looking forward has never been a problem, pushing forward however, has, as if I'm only one step past the pain, but it doesn't stop the trying. I may not be as beautiful as some, high in academics, can't sing or dance, but damn I'm strong- incredibly fucking strong. My shoulders are accommodating, and my heart forgiving. At thirty I am now sure of this; how long this body will be this soul's vessel isn't up to me- but we've done well together so far. That's what matters. Now more than ever- I feel closer to people in my life and though trust is still an aching topic for me, it's surfacing. I have no qualms about being myself: the rambunctious type... finally- it's fitting here in my skin. There have been more firsts for me since April 28th than one could ever put on a resolution list.
It seems crazy but since I turned 30, that's where I've been.
See... mine was the kind of childhood that led me to the conclusion I may never make it this far in age. How relieving it is to know the math was off. 28 came- then 29... 30. April 27th came around and I was in a haze of reflections. Tomorrow was THE day. The questions that came to my mind that day were so critical... about happiness, love, retirement, friends, enemies, what have you. I thought of all those things before- but this time they were twisting in my gut. I thought about old age- weddings and grand kids... and somehow it brought a relief... rocking chairs and grand kids. Just a few more decades Crys. It won't be so bad the second half?
I haven't pegged why it took so long for a moment like that to surface- my only guess is; you don't see the fight in real time- the movements are ahead or behind you, the details are blurry. When everything has been a struggle, you just learn to survive. Perhaps in the form of 'to-do lists', or in a short lived escapes, poems no one reads, even being the 'better person' even if by a very well played facade. There are things I've known for certain in this quarter length career of mine- I've never had that feeling that my destine is to make some great mark on this world, fame is at the bottom of my desires... a million bucks is only wanted to help the people who need it... and my children are enough of a legacy for me. My path, plan, what have you, has always felt, meant to be quite simple. It's been annoying feeling this deep about things. But it's stirred up some good.
Which brings me to this:
My life was too often over analyzed and not well enough lived. It's amazing how well presented worries become present if that's what you expect, how strong your hopes phase into reality when you set aside negative expectations. Hard times await us all at some point, disguised strengths that need receiving. A reminder of the way you choose to see things and how to better see them.
I'm saying nothing new, with no clue whether I myself am actually happy or not, but I feel loved, grateful, safe and give love, comfort, safety... the best way I know how. The past hasn't made a bitter mark on me, painful sometimes- but not crippling. Looking forward has never been a problem, pushing forward however, has, as if I'm only one step past the pain, but it doesn't stop the trying. I may not be as beautiful as some, high in academics, can't sing or dance, but damn I'm strong- incredibly fucking strong. My shoulders are accommodating, and my heart forgiving. At thirty I am now sure of this; how long this body will be this soul's vessel isn't up to me- but we've done well together so far. That's what matters. Now more than ever- I feel closer to people in my life and though trust is still an aching topic for me, it's surfacing. I have no qualms about being myself: the rambunctious type... finally- it's fitting here in my skin. There have been more firsts for me since April 28th than one could ever put on a resolution list.
